You are wonderfully strong

To the women who are children less on mother’s day, my heart goes out to you. You are one of the strongest women I have ever known. The pain is something that can not compare to anything else in the world. I am someone who has been in your shoes. I would hit the floor crying for my child that I didn’t know if I would ever meet. My heart was broken for my child that is in heaven. I sat there wondering what I had done so wrong that I was not able to conceive a child after trying for six years. What had I done wrong that my body rejected my baby that was growing inside of me? I harbored so much grief, guilt, and anger because all I wanted was to be a mother and have the family I never had. I felt less than a woman because I could not give my husband a child.

I remember looking online seeing pregnancy announcement and my heart sinking. Of course, I was happy for the person, but there was a part of my heart that was also aching for the children I already loved and they were not here yet. I would avoid the baby section in every store I would go into so I would not start hurting more than I already was. I knew I would be an amazing mother and I felt like I had done everything right, why are there people who lived their lives however they wanted and they kept having children? You watch the news and see all these children that need loving homes and then you see the children who were forgotten by the world and lost their lives due to neglect and abuse.

I heard so many people tell me what we’ve all heard “It’s just not your time.” “You’ll be a mother eventually.” “Why don’t you just adopt?” I could go on and on. I know that it is good intentions to make us feel better about your situation, but these words just make you hurt more.

You are such an amazing woman!! There is nothing wrong with you!! To go through this takes such a strong person. I know these words will not make you feel better, I just want you to know that you are not alone. You never leave my thoughts and prayers.

I am still learning

So today I ended up at a mental intake clinic. I woke up this morning not feeling right, and I tried to just put it on the back burner take my medication and be on my way.  I did what I do every Tuesday, I got my swim stuff together and went to my water aerobics class. It was about half way through I realized something just was not right. I had knots in my stomach and I felt like I needed to scream. I am not one to make a big fuss and let everyone around me know what it going on, so I just quietly got out of the pool and went to my safe place, my husband. He got me focused and told me to get out of my swim clothes and get ready to leave.

As I was in the shower all I could think about was “what is wrong with me?”. I take my medication like I am supposed to and go to therapy. How is it possible to still feel out of control? I found myself begging my husband to take me to the local psych ward and have me checked in. Of course, this is not what he wanted for his wife. He told me to call my psychiatrist and see if she could fit me in, unfortunately, she could not. So I called my therapist and told her I was headed to the psych ward. So in I went. As I sat there and talked to the intake person ashamed that I was even there, she just listened to me and wrote things down. By the end of me telling her everything that was going through my head and body, she told me I didn’t qualify to get any help there because I was not a threat to myself or others around me. But she did me a huge favor she called my therapist and told her what was going on and my therapist took time out of her day and told me to come in and talk with her.

I am bipolar, I have highs and lows, my lows last forever and my highs lasts a short time. I am actually on a high period right now and it does not feel good. You would think it would feel good to be out of the depression, but when the mania hits the anxiety goes out the window. I feel like I have no control over my body and that is not a good feeling to have.

No one ever explained to me what bipolar, anxiety, depression or PCOS is or how to deal with it. It blows my mind that you can be diagnosed with something and have no idea what it is or how if affects my body. No one had ever taught me coping mechanisms when I am feeling like I need to jump out of my skin.

I have truly lucked out when it comes to therapists. She is a very sweet woman who is in the business for people’s health and not the money. She gave me a few worksheets on exercises that I could do that will help me day to day. She also taught me a breathing exercise that will help when my anxiety is out of control. I feel like I understand myself so much better just by someone explaining what is going on with me. No, I am not cured, but I understand now and I have tools to help me cope.

Please do not ever be afraid to get help or to reach out to someone. That help can change your life for the better. I hope everyone has a blessed day.

ups and downs are o.k.

4/29

I love good days. Today, besides my normal anxiety I had a wonderful day. I did not allow myself to be the normal hermit crab that I tend to be. I woke up to a text message from one of my very dear friends asking if I wanted to hang out and I was excited. I know I sound like a little kid, but we’re all adults now with our own families and lives, so it does not happen as often as we’d like.

4/30

Well, unfortunately, guys I woke up this morning with anxiety full force. I am making it through though. When you have a kiddo you do not have the choice to just go back to bed until you feel better. My anxiety is in full swing this morning. There is nothing to be anxious about, but my body seems to think otherwise.  On days like today, I focus on my son and what I need to do to keep up with the house. I woke up and took my med, then I made breakfast for both of us. Now he is playing in his playroom and I’m taking this moment to blog. Mickey mouse clubhouse is, of course, playing in the background. I need grounding exercises when I feel this way. I know there are a lot out there, but my therapist is going to be working with me this week on what I can do when I feel like my anxiety is through the roof. I know that I still have a lot of things to figure out with my son’s birthday party. I have most of it planned out, but still not completely figured out.

Ever since I was diagnosed with bipolar, I have heard several people say that bipolar woman makes horrible parents. Just like everything else in my life I attempt to take it one day at a time. My son is my main priority, then my house, my husband, then myself. I know that I need to take more time to myself, but I have not figured out that part yet. One step at a time, it was I tell myself every day, but the thing I really need to teach myself is that it is o.k. if everything does not get done in that day. There will be tomorrow to attempt it again. I think us as mother’s put too much stress on ourselves to be like the other mothers that we see. However, we do not see their bad days or the days that the feel like they are going to break down.

We as mothers need to be more uplifting towards each other. Motherhood is not a competition. We should be in this together! Empower each other, working mothers and stay at home mothers. We all have our good days and our bad days and we need to realize that it is alright and that does not make us bad mothers.

I hope whoever reads this has a wonderful day!!  I would write more, but my toddler is wanting me to read book after book. Just another day in the life of being a mama.

Songs and feelings

This is going to be a long blog of song lyrics that remind me of my childhood
Piece by Piece
And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I traveled fifteen hundred miles to see you
I begged you to want me, but you didn’t want to
But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay
And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn’t free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn’t have anything you needed so I was worthless
But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
‘Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay
Piece by piece
Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave her like you left me
And she will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I’m going to put her first and you know
He’ll never walk away,
He’ll never break her heart
He’ll take care of things, he’ll love her
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the father should be great
Piece by piece
Piece by piece
Emotionless
Hey dad
I’m writing to you
Not to tell you, that I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your sons?
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we’re all right?
But we’re all right
We’re all right
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re alright
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that I’m still alive
The days I spent so cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
Those scars run deep inside this tattooed body
There’s things I’ll take, to my grave
But I’m okay
I’m okay
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that I’m still alive
Yeah, I’m still alive
Sometimes
I forgive
Yeah and this time
I’ll admit
That I miss you, said I miss you
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that were still alive
And sometimes
I forgive
And this time
I’ll admit, that I miss you, miss you
Hey dad
Martina McBride – Concrete Angel

She walks to school with the lunch
She packed
Nobody knows what she’s
Holdin’ back
Wearin’ the same dress
She wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen
And lace

The teacher wonders but she
Doesn’t ask
It’s hard to see the pain
Behind the mask
Bearing the burden
Of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was
Never born

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In her world that she can rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where
She’s loved
Concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle
Of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn
Out the lights
A fragile soul caught in the hands
Of fate
When morning comes
It’ll be too late

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In her world that she can rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where
She’s loved
Concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In her world that she can rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where
She’s loved
Concrete angel

 

Alyssa Lies” by Jason Michael Carroll

My little girl met a new friend
Just the other day
On the playground at school
Between the tires and the swings

But she came home with tear-filled eyes
And she said to me, “Daddy, Alyssa lies.”

Well I just brushed it off at first
‘Cause I didn’t know how much my little girl had been hurt
Or the things she had seen
I wasn’t ready when I said, “You can tell me.”

And she said

Alyssa lies to the classroom
Alyssa lies everyday at school
Alyssa lies to the teachers
As she tries to cover every bruise

My little girl laid her head down that night to go to sleep
As I stepped out the room, I heard her say a prayer so soft and sweet
“God bless my mom and my dad
And my new friend, Alyssa
I know she needs you bad.”

Because Alyssa lies to the classroom
Alyssa lies everyday at school
Alyssa lies to the teachers
As she tries to cover every bruise

I had the worst night of sleep in years
As I tried to think of a way to calm her fears
I knew just what it was I had to do
But when we got to school on Monday, I heard the news

My little girl asked me why everybody looked so sad
The lump in my throat grew bigger
With every question that she asked
Until I felt the tears run down my face
And I told her that Alyssa wouldn’t be at school today

‘Cause she doesn’t lie in the classroom
She doesn’t lie anymore at school
Alyssa lies with Jesus
Because there’s nothin’ anyone would do

Tears filled my eyes when my little girl asked me why
Alyssa lies
Daddy, tell me why
Alyssa lies

Just like You
I could be mean
I could be angry
You know I could be just like you
I could be fake
I could be stupid
You know I could be just like you
You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be
Just like you
I could be cold
I could be ruthless
You know I could be just like you
I could be weak
I could be senseless
You know I could be just like you
You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be
Just like you
On my own, cause I can’t take livin’ with you
I’m alone, so I won’t turn out like
You want me to
I could be cold
I could be ruthless
You know I could be just like you
I could be weak
I could be senseless
You know I could be just like you
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04fQTmvFfGo
Family Portrait
Uh, uh, some deep shit, uh, uh
Momma please stop crying, I can’t stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin’ me down
I hear glasses breaking as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn’t mean those nasty things you said
You fight about money, ’bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growing up in World War three
Never knowing what love could be, you’ll see
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done my family
Can we work it out, can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out, can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, daddy please don’t leave
Daddy please stop yellin’, I can’t stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin’, ’cause I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says, its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love you, too
I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away
Don’t wanna go back to that place, but don’t have no choice, no way
It ain’t easy growin’ up in World War three
Never knowin’ what love could be, well I’ve seen
I don’t want love to destroy me like it did my family
Can we work it out, can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out, can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, daddy please don’t leave
In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, let’s act like it comes naturally
I don’t wanna have to split the holidays
I don’t want two addresses
I don’t want a step-brother anyways
And I don’t want my mom to have to change her last name
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, act like it goes naturally
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out, can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
(I promise I’ll be better, mommy I’ll do anything)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out, can we be a family?)
Let’s play pretend act and like it comes so naturally
(I promise I’ll be better, daddy please don’t leave)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out, can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
(I promise I’ll be better, daddy please don’t leave)
Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Turn around please
Remember that the night you left you took my shining star?
Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Don’t leave us here alone
Mum will be nicer
I’ll be so much better, I’ll tell my brother
Oh, I won’t spill the milk at dinner
I’ll be so much better, I’ll do everything right
I’ll be your little girl forever
I’ll go to sleep at night

 

Numb by Linkin Park

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste is more than I can take!

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be

Open Wounds By Skillet

In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you
I’m gone, I’m gone

And you can’t stop me from falling apart
‘Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn’t matter what I do
Nothing’s gonna change
I’m never good enough

And you can’t stop me from falling apart
‘Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I’m not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end???

You can’t stop me from falling apart
You can’t stop me from falling apart
You can’t stop me from falling apart
‘Cause my self-destruction is all your fault.

How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

I think you know what I’m getting at
I find it so upsetting that
The memories that you select
You keep the bad but the good you just forget

And even though I’m angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
When you peel out and drive away
I can’t believe this happened

And all this time I never thought
That all we had would be all for naught

No, I don’t hate you
Don’t want to fight you
You know I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t like you
No, I don’t hate you
Don’t want to fight you
You know I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t like you
‘Cause you took this too far

Make your decision and don’t you dare think twice
Go with your instincts along with some bad advice
This didn’t turn out the way I thought it would at all
You blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you but you just wouldn’t budge
I tried to hold your hand but you’d rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I’m getting at
You said goodbye and I just don’t want you regretting that

No, I don’t hate you
Don’t want to fight you
You know I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t like you
No, I don’t hate you
Don’t want to fight you
You know I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t like you

And wisdom always chooses
These black eyes and these bruises
Over the heartache that they say
Never completely goes away
(I just can’t believe this happened
And one day we’ll see this come around)

And wisdom always chooses
These black eyes and these bruises
Over the heartache that they say
Never completely goes away

No, I don’t hate you
Don’t want to fight you
You know I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t like you
No, I don’t hate you
Don’t want to fight you
You know I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t like you
‘Cause you took this too far

What happened to us?
I heard that it’s me we should blame
What happened to us?
Why didn’t you stop me from turning out this way?
And know that I don’t hate you
And know that I don’t want to fight you
And know that I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t

 

Be the change

April is child abuse awareness and I am finally trying to do my part as a survivor. I am doing my best to be the person I needed when I was going through it. There are so many statics that talks about how if you were abused as a child that you are more likely to abuse your children. I do not believe in blaming your upbringing on how you act in the future. You come to a place in your life where you have to take control for your own actions. Just because you were beat does not mean you have to beat on someone.
I say this because I was severely overweight and for a long time, I blamed my father and the fact that he did not teach me healthy eating habits. I wallowed in self-pity. One day I decided enough was enough and walked into an obesity clinic and my life changed from there. I had to learn new eating habits and new life choices. I am still learning every day.
I am learning right now about being a good parent. I know that abuse is in so many forms and I would rather break an arm than to ever hurt my son in any form or fashion. My son has taught me patience, unconditional love, the love between a mother and a child and most of all he has taught me what family is.
I know while I was going through my abuse I had never felt more alone in my life. I had a secret I could not tell. I could not tell my parent, my best friend or anyone. I didn’t know that if I told that I would be taken away from that place. A lot of children do not know that if they tell someone their situation that things could change. They are in a place where they feel all alone and fear of anyone finding out. Child abusers like to make their victim feel more hopeless than they already are. Children are already at a disadvantage because of their age and knowledge. They tend to believe what is being said to them.
That is why it is so important that if you suspect abuse that you call someone. Do not allow the situation to continue, while you wait it could be that child’s last chance at survival. To me, there are so many more signs that what you find online. As I am writing this I am realizing what I want to do with my life. I want to advocate for children that are going through abuse of any kind. I have the need to be that person that I needed growing up. It is all too easy to sit here and write my story, but that only helps me, I need to help others.

ANXIETY

Anxiety is a beast. It is something I live with every single day. When I wake up in the morning I can already feel my anxiety starting. I can wake up to a beautiful day, but my head is telling me that there is something wrong. I tend to bit my husbands head off for no reason, except for the fact that I am on edge. My husband has ADD and anyone who has been around others with ADD knows that it takes patience sometimes. Something that I taught myself years ago is that, even when I am having a bad day, no one else deserves to be treated poorly because I am not in a good mood. It has taken a lot of practice, but I try to better myself each day. My husband and I feed off of each other which can be a good thing, but at the same time, it can be a bad thing. When we’re having a rough day, we trigger each other and it normally just gets worse from there. At the same time, when these days happen we are pretty quick to realize where we have gone wrong and we apologize to each other. Being in a relationship when both people have issues with their emotions it takes a lot of respect and dedication. Most of all you need to realize when you have made a mistake and be respectful enough to apologize.

I realized sometime after I had our son that my depression and anxiety just was not normal. Even though I have been medicated for almost 11 years off and on my symptoms were still out of control. Now I am on better medication and I am going to therapy. It is funny, but my therapist has only met me twice and she said I have a huge problem of putting myself last. I don’t know how to make myself first, but I will continue to work on it because I know that is something my son needs and so does my husband.

I know that this blog is a bit of a ramble, but I guess that is just what I needed today. That is me focusing on me. I hope everyone has a blessed day!

Dear Dad

Dear dad,

I wish I could hear your voice comforting me and telling me everything will be alright. I miss you and I hate the fact that you let it come this far. I now have to protect my son from you. I had dreams as a child that you would walk me down the isle, but yet you didn’t even show. I had dreams of you being a grandfather to my children, but when I reached out to you, you told everyone I was lying and probably wanting money.

I can’t believe that is the way you look at me. I was a dedicated child to you. I stood up for you even if I was mad at you. I thought you could do no wrong, but I was so wrong. You failed me as a parent. You let your partners come before your children. You let your partners treat us however they wanted. You kept us away from family who actually wanted something to do with us, they just didn’t want anything to do with you.

There are so many unanswered questions I have for you. I have to live with those unanswered question for the safety of my son. I can not have your toxicity in his life, I will not allow him to be abused the way I was. You may have never physically touched us, but you did break us. You were verbal, mentally and emotionally abusive. We could never have our own opinions without you making us feel like we were wrong. You were supposed to protect us, but in the end, we needed the protection from you.

Why is it that nothing is ever your fault? I have never heard you apologize to anyone. It is always someone else’s fault if something went wrong in a relationship. You live in this diluted world where you can do no wrong.

If you think I walk around talking bad about you, then you must have a guilty conscious. You know the way you raised us was wrong, but you want to pin it on everyone else. If you hate the fact you do not know your grandson look in the mirror and blame yourself. If you think I am doing this to hurt you, then you are wrong. I have cried myself asleep because I miss my father. I miss the person who use to be my best friend, the one who would take me out on Saturday mornings just to get some donuts and milk.

This is how you failed me:

1. You let others abuse me and just stood by and watched

2. You nicknamed your overweight daughter Shamu

3. You treated me like a wife and not a child.

4. You made me think there was something wrong with me.

5. You didn’t take us to doctors.

6. You lied to us about our family.

7. You never gave us stability.

8. The nasty emails you have sent to me.

9. You make me this terrible person in your head.

10. You took my dreams and crushed them.

This list could go on and on. You get the picture, and the worst part is you will take no blame, you will figure out a way to pin everything I say on myself or someone else. If you think there is a day that goes by that I don’t miss you, you’re wrong. I miss you every day. I would love to pick up the phone and call you, but that would only open the door for you to use your words to hurt me more than I already am.

I came to you at 17 and told you I was raped and you were not there for me. Instead someone I barely knew came and consoled me. I was molested at 9 years old, but you know nothing about it because I knew even at that age I couldn’t come to you. At 13 my stepfather forced his tongue into my mouth and when I came to you, you and my mother said I was lying. You wonder what you did that made us not trust you? look at all the things that you did and did not do.

I am sure when I am ready I will write more to you. I wish I wouldv’e known the last time that I hugged you it would be the last time.