I wish I could hear your voice comforting me and telling me everything will be alright. I miss you and I hate the fact that you let it come this far. I now have to protect my son from you. I had dreams as a child that you would walk me down the isle, but yet you didn’t even show. I had dreams of you being a grandfather to my children, but when I reached out to you, you told everyone I was lying and probably wanting money.
I can’t believe that is the way you look at me. I was a dedicated child to you. I stood up for you even if I was mad at you. I thought you could do no wrong, but I was so wrong. You failed me as a parent. You let your partners come before your children. You let your partners treat us however they wanted. You kept us away from family who actually wanted something to do with us, they just didn’t want anything to do with you.
There are so many unanswered questions I have for you. I have to live with those unanswered question for the safety of my son. I can not have your toxicity in his life, I will not allow him to be abused the way I was. You may have never physically touched us, but you did break us. You were verbal, mentally and emotionally abusive. We could never have our own opinions without you making us feel like we were wrong. You were supposed to protect us, but in the end, we needed the protection from you.
Why is it that nothing is ever your fault? I have never heard you apologize to anyone. It is always someone else’s fault if something went wrong in a relationship. You live in this diluted world where you can do no wrong.
If you think I walk around talking bad about you, then you must have a guilty conscious. You know the way you raised us was wrong, but you want to pin it on everyone else. If you hate the fact you do not know your grandson look in the mirror and blame yourself. If you think I am doing this to hurt you, then you are wrong. I have cried myself asleep because I miss my father. I miss the person who use to be my best friend, the one who would take me out on Saturday mornings just to get some donuts and milk.
This is how you failed me:
1. You let others abuse me and just stood by and watched
2. You nicknamed your overweight daughter Shamu
3. You treated me like a wife and not a child.
4. You made me think there was something wrong with me.
5. You didn’t take us to doctors.
6. You lied to us about our family.
7. You never gave us stability.
8. The nasty emails you have sent to me.
9. You make me this terrible person in your head.
10. You took my dreams and crushed them.
This list could go on and on. You get the picture, and the worst part is you will take no blame, you will figure out a way to pin everything I say on myself or someone else. If you think there is a day that goes by that I don’t miss you, you’re wrong. I miss you every day. I would love to pick up the phone and call you, but that would only open the door for you to use your words to hurt me more than I already am.
I came to you at 17 and told you I was raped and you were not there for me. Instead someone I barely knew came and consoled me. I was molested at 9 years old, but you know nothing about it because I knew even at that age I couldn’t come to you. At 13 my stepfather forced his tongue into my mouth and when I came to you, you and my mother said I was lying. You wonder what you did that made us not trust you? look at all the things that you did and did not do.
I am sure when I am ready I will write more to you. I wish I wouldv’e known the last time that I hugged you it would be the last time.