I am still learning

So today I ended up at a mental intake clinic. I woke up this morning not feeling right, and I tried to just put it on the back burner take my medication and be on my way.  I did what I do every Tuesday, I got my swim stuff together and went to my water aerobics class. It was about half way through I realized something just was not right. I had knots in my stomach and I felt like I needed to scream. I am not one to make a big fuss and let everyone around me know what it going on, so I just quietly got out of the pool and went to my safe place, my husband. He got me focused and told me to get out of my swim clothes and get ready to leave.

As I was in the shower all I could think about was “what is wrong with me?”. I take my medication like I am supposed to and go to therapy. How is it possible to still feel out of control? I found myself begging my husband to take me to the local psych ward and have me checked in. Of course, this is not what he wanted for his wife. He told me to call my psychiatrist and see if she could fit me in, unfortunately, she could not. So I called my therapist and told her I was headed to the psych ward. So in I went. As I sat there and talked to the intake person ashamed that I was even there, she just listened to me and wrote things down. By the end of me telling her everything that was going through my head and body, she told me I didn’t qualify to get any help there because I was not a threat to myself or others around me. But she did me a huge favor she called my therapist and told her what was going on and my therapist took time out of her day and told me to come in and talk with her.

I am bipolar, I have highs and lows, my lows last forever and my highs lasts a short time. I am actually on a high period right now and it does not feel good. You would think it would feel good to be out of the depression, but when the mania hits the anxiety goes out the window. I feel like I have no control over my body and that is not a good feeling to have.

No one ever explained to me what bipolar, anxiety, depression or PCOS is or how to deal with it. It blows my mind that you can be diagnosed with something and have no idea what it is or how if affects my body. No one had ever taught me coping mechanisms when I am feeling like I need to jump out of my skin.

I have truly lucked out when it comes to therapists. She is a very sweet woman who is in the business for people’s health and not the money. She gave me a few worksheets on exercises that I could do that will help me day to day. She also taught me a breathing exercise that will help when my anxiety is out of control. I feel like I understand myself so much better just by someone explaining what is going on with me. No, I am not cured, but I understand now and I have tools to help me cope.

Please do not ever be afraid to get help or to reach out to someone. That help can change your life for the better. I hope everyone has a blessed day.


Be the change

April is child abuse awareness and I am finally trying to do my part as a survivor. I am doing my best to be the person I needed when I was going through it. There are so many statics that talks about how if you were abused as a child that you are more likely to abuse your children. I do not believe in blaming your upbringing on how you act in the future. You come to a place in your life where you have to take control for your own actions. Just because you were beat does not mean you have to beat on someone.
I say this because I was severely overweight and for a long time, I blamed my father and the fact that he did not teach me healthy eating habits. I wallowed in self-pity. One day I decided enough was enough and walked into an obesity clinic and my life changed from there. I had to learn new eating habits and new life choices. I am still learning every day.
I am learning right now about being a good parent. I know that abuse is in so many forms and I would rather break an arm than to ever hurt my son in any form or fashion. My son has taught me patience, unconditional love, the love between a mother and a child and most of all he has taught me what family is.
I know while I was going through my abuse I had never felt more alone in my life. I had a secret I could not tell. I could not tell my parent, my best friend or anyone. I didn’t know that if I told that I would be taken away from that place. A lot of children do not know that if they tell someone their situation that things could change. They are in a place where they feel all alone and fear of anyone finding out. Child abusers like to make their victim feel more hopeless than they already are. Children are already at a disadvantage because of their age and knowledge. They tend to believe what is being said to them.
That is why it is so important that if you suspect abuse that you call someone. Do not allow the situation to continue, while you wait it could be that child’s last chance at survival. To me, there are so many more signs that what you find online. As I am writing this I am realizing what I want to do with my life. I want to advocate for children that are going through abuse of any kind. I have the need to be that person that I needed growing up. It is all too easy to sit here and write my story, but that only helps me, I need to help others.

Dear Dad

Dear dad,

I wish I could hear your voice comforting me and telling me everything will be alright. I miss you and I hate the fact that you let it come this far. I now have to protect my son from you. I had dreams as a child that you would walk me down the isle, but yet you didn’t even show. I had dreams of you being a grandfather to my children, but when I reached out to you, you told everyone I was lying and probably wanting money.

I can’t believe that is the way you look at me. I was a dedicated child to you. I stood up for you even if I was mad at you. I thought you could do no wrong, but I was so wrong. You failed me as a parent. You let your partners come before your children. You let your partners treat us however they wanted. You kept us away from family who actually wanted something to do with us, they just didn’t want anything to do with you.

There are so many unanswered questions I have for you. I have to live with those unanswered question for the safety of my son. I can not have your toxicity in his life, I will not allow him to be abused the way I was. You may have never physically touched us, but you did break us. You were verbal, mentally and emotionally abusive. We could never have our own opinions without you making us feel like we were wrong. You were supposed to protect us, but in the end, we needed the protection from you.

Why is it that nothing is ever your fault? I have never heard you apologize to anyone. It is always someone else’s fault if something went wrong in a relationship. You live in this diluted world where you can do no wrong.

If you think I walk around talking bad about you, then you must have a guilty conscious. You know the way you raised us was wrong, but you want to pin it on everyone else. If you hate the fact you do not know your grandson look in the mirror and blame yourself. If you think I am doing this to hurt you, then you are wrong. I have cried myself asleep because I miss my father. I miss the person who use to be my best friend, the one who would take me out on Saturday mornings just to get some donuts and milk.

This is how you failed me:

1. You let others abuse me and just stood by and watched

2. You nicknamed your overweight daughter Shamu

3. You treated me like a wife and not a child.

4. You made me think there was something wrong with me.

5. You didn’t take us to doctors.

6. You lied to us about our family.

7. You never gave us stability.

8. The nasty emails you have sent to me.

9. You make me this terrible person in your head.

10. You took my dreams and crushed them.

This list could go on and on. You get the picture, and the worst part is you will take no blame, you will figure out a way to pin everything I say on myself or someone else. If you think there is a day that goes by that I don’t miss you, you’re wrong. I miss you every day. I would love to pick up the phone and call you, but that would only open the door for you to use your words to hurt me more than I already am.

I came to you at 17 and told you I was raped and you were not there for me. Instead someone I barely knew came and consoled me. I was molested at 9 years old, but you know nothing about it because I knew even at that age I couldn’t come to you. At 13 my stepfather forced his tongue into my mouth and when I came to you, you and my mother said I was lying. You wonder what you did that made us not trust you? look at all the things that you did and did not do.

I am sure when I am ready I will write more to you. I wish I wouldv’e known the last time that I hugged you it would be the last time.

Hello Friends :)

I have been sick for a few day, but I thought I would catch everyone up on my life at the moment.

This morning I woke up and decided to try to fix my blog. I have been told by several people that my grammar could use some tidying up. I kind of knew I needed to, so I set off to attempt to fix that situation and somehow I deleted my whole blog. So, I took the time to fix the grammar and punctuation issues. I am quite pleased with how everything turned out. Now I have a childhood blog and I also have a dailyish blog. I would love to write every day, but that would take away time from my son and I started this in hopes of being a hobby.

I tried reaching out to more family in the past few days and it has been successful in some ways, but in other ways, it has not panned out. I have now connected with a family member I didn’t know. It has been refreshing to get to know someone that you are related to and they welcome you in such a warm way. I also tried to reach out to other parts of my family so I can find out where I came from and our families history. So far, out of all the family online only one person is planning on sitting down with me and telling me all that they know. I know that I come from a family of immigrants from Europe.

I also spent some time looking up the missing history of Jill. I called the courthouse and explained who I was and what I wanted to obtain. Unfortunately, they are only allowed to tell me so much which is just about the same information I can find online. So, she told me that I will have to petition the court to open the records for me. I have no idea how to do it, but my best friend is going to help me walk through the process. She is my backbone when it comes to facing my past. I don’t think I could ever thank her enough for listening to my ramblings.

I am officially two weeks down on my new medications and I think they are helping a lot more than just the few that I was on. I definitely think there can be a lot of improvement can be made. I have another appointment in April so we shall see. I also went to therapy last week and I have high hopes that she will finally be the one who helps me through my thoughts and fears.

Well, I am gonna have to cut this short today my son is terrorizing my living room.


I’ve heard from a lot of people who think I should be over what I’ve gone through, but the reality is that I am over it but my body is not. I wake up every morning with panic in my stomach and there be no reason for panic. All day I feel on edge and yes I do take medication. It is not something I enjoy. I honestly wonder most days why my husband hasn’t walked away from my constant state of sadness. He’s such a good man and I’m a very lucky woman to have someone so devoted to me. When we took our vows to love each other no matter what life threw at us, is something we both take very seriously. We’ve seen great times and we’ve been through bad times as well. We don’t sweat the small stuff and we work through the hard stuff.

I know a lot of my problems stem from my childhood and I’ve only written about one section of my childhood. There will be more and hopefully, that will make things more clear for those who are following my blog. If you read just this one it will probably come off as a whining adult. I’m hoping to get out everything and open memories I didn’t know were there. There are chunks of my life that feel like a story that has been told to me.

This is one reason I am writing this blog so just maybe others who are like me will understand that they are not alone. I am a mother and wife, but most days I feel like a failure. I don’t like to interact with people I don’t know which in turns means I keep to myself and I stay indoors. I love the days that my husband is off because with him by my side I feel confident and unafraid of the people around me.  My son is thriving and my husband tells me all the time how proud he is of me. I have so much to be happy about. I thought for almost ten years that I would never have a child even though it was one of my only dreams as a child, to have a family who loved me as much as I loved them.

The fact is that I am broken. I am a child without parents. Even though I was never left in foster care I feel as though I have been. I’ve raised myself since as long as I can remember. I would do anything to have that feeling of having parents. I thought having my own family would fix what is broken, and in some ways it has, but in others, it has not. Some days I feel better about it then there are days like today I feel like I’m in a hole begging my parents to hear me, but they don’t. Most of my family is all in the united states and we’re not close. I wish it was very different, but I don’t know how to bridge the connection that has been broken. I did marry into a wonderful family and I feel beyond blessed my son won’t feel the disconnect that I have my whole life. I don’t put blame on anyone except my father and the reason why is because he “raised” us most of our lives. He always had something negative to say about both sides of my family. How everyone just didn’t like him and he didn’t know why. As I got old I understood why so many of his family members had chosen to keep themselves away from him. His actions not only hurt him they hurt his family. He didn’t care that we grew up without family or the fact he was always moving us around like we were nomads with no permanent home.

This blog is more for me than anyone else. I need to get these things out of my head. Maybe it’s not just to help others, but also help myself. I’ve heard writing is very therapeutic so maybe this might help and maybe it won’t, but I might as well give it a try. I don’t want sympathy I honestly can’t stand it. I want to be better understood. I know that is a lot to ask for especially since I don’t understand myself. I’m actually for the first time in my life taking real strides to help me figure out what is medically wrong with my head and am trying to fix it. I’m hoping if I can do that I can go to therapy and learn to cope with everything the goes through my head. The last thing I want is to raise my son to see my unhealthy mental state and actions. No, I do not-self harm and I am not suicidal. I feel like I constantly have to let people know that. I’m just anxious, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, depressed and lonely.

Five years ago I was severely overweight and I thought that most my anxiety and depression was caused by my weight. I thought it was my weight that made me afraid of people, but I have lost most of the weight and I’m definitely not self-conscious about my looks anymore. Now I feel like when people see me they see everything that going through my head. Not to mention I am socially awkward I have tried to make connections with people, but I just do not do well with attempting conversations with people and it just feels so awkward. I do not want to stick myself in this bubble for the rest of my life. I lost the weight so I would not be sitting on the sidelines of life and here I am limiting myself because I am afraid of people.

I appreciate it if you have made it this far. At first, when I started writing this blog I thought I would be just writing about my past, but I don’t think that will help me or anyone else who are looking for answers. I need to get out my past, present and hopefully figure out how to make a brighter future. I want to see myself the way my husband and son do. They don’t deserve to see their wife and mother so sad all the time. I grew up seeing my father always looking sad and lost. I do not want that for my family.


So I have battled depression and anxiety for a very long time. It is not something that is new to me and frankly, I am sick of it. I hate waking up and feeling like something is about to happen. I have been on so many medications to try to help the symptoms that I have.

After I had my son I was elated! He was all that I had ever wanted and I finally had him. I still am beyond stoked that I get to be his mom. Even when he’s crawling all over me while I write this blog and the bag of chips that his dad gave him is now crushed into my carpet. Hey, that’s what having children is all about. But I noticed that not too long after I had him that I started to feel the anxiety and depression so much worse than I had before. I think having him made my face to the reality of my childhood and my relationships with my family. It also made me realize that he needed me and I needed to be in control of everything about him. Who watches him, how people interact with him, who I could trust to be alone with him and most of all that people treated him like family. It is something I obsess over every day and I know it is because of my childhood. I know that I can not protect him from everything, but I am going to protect him from the important things. I use to think I would be a horrible parent even though everyone around me thought I would be a good mother. I even still have some who let me know when I am going overboard. I’d put him in a bubble if I knew it would protect him from everything. But I know things will happen and I’m ok with that I just don’t want something to happen because I was negligent in some form or another. I am very aware of how much pressure I am putting on myself. But that is the point of my writing. So I can tell my side of life and my past and try to become a better person and hopefully in the process help anyone else who comes across this.

I started receiving medication for my depression and anxiety when I was about 17 years old. Every time I would start a new medication I would have hopes that it would make me feel like a functioning human and not this drain on society that I see myself being. I have hurt some of the closest people to me because of my mental state and how unstable I have been in the past. I know that most of them have forgiven me, but I have yet to forgive myself. I was not the person I was when I acted like I did when I was a young adult. I didn’t realize I had some serious issues going on and that I needed to see a professional. I blocked it out because I didn’t want to be that “statistic”. An abused child that is completely missed and broken that couldn’t be fixed. I have tried my best not to become what society has said becomes of children from broken and abused homes. So far I feel like I am doing a good job, despite the fact that I can’t interact with people the way I would like to.

About 2 months ago when I was put on a benzodiazepine and my symptoms were still in full swing I decided to open up to my primary. I have gone to her for five years and me never once told her the extent of my depression and anxiety. She had no idea that I had been abused as a child, molested, raped and lost a baby. A lot of it I had just kept to myself. When I told her some of my past and that I was not getting any better she suggested I go see a specialist to find out exactly what I was going through.

I went to the specialist about a week ago. Normally the first visit is a half hour. I was in her office for two hours. Just spilling my guts because I am so tired of holding it all in. I needed someone who could understand and not judge me know what was going on. I have never felt more understood than when I was talking with her. I told her all the symptoms I have and all the failed medications that I had been on. That is when she told me I had PTSD and Bipolar I. I was pretty sure for a long time that I had PTSD, but the bipolar hit me like a load of bricks. I didn’t know anything about it and the people I know who have it are almost unbearable people to be around. So I automatically turned myself into a self-hatred person. I have come around to it and realize that those people are not me and how they deal with their disease is not the way I deal with mine.

Just as I have tried my best not to allow my past define who I am, I am not going to allow my mental illness to define who I am. I am a loving person, a devoted wife, and mother and I plan to stay that way. I will be here for my family if they need me. I think I am going to close for today. Thank you for listening.

*I am far from a writing lol so if my writing is not the best I am sorry. Hopefully, I can work out the kinks. :)*