Nothing can ever make you ready for all the wonderful feelings of motherhood. You can prepare yourself with books, magazines, fellow moms etc… But when you are handed that beautiful baby and you look into their eyes for the first time and you know everything else has to change for the better. When I first held my son I promised him two things. One that he would not be raised the way that I was and two that he would never have to guess if he is loved.
For many years of my life as an adult, I did not work. I hid from everyone outside of my home. I was too scared to be around people and I believe that everyone that passed by me was judging me in some way or another. This passed the burden of taking care of me to my husband. He is truly my rock and love of my life. He has had to take on more than his fair share in our lives together. That is something I am aware of every single day of my life. Because without my husband I would not be where I am today. He has had faith and love for me when no one else has. He has had to carry his weight and mine and has not ever complained about it.
Now I am on my feet, still a little shaky, but I am working on it. I am in such a better place than I have ever been in my life. I am proud of myself. I am doing better than what others have thought I could ever do. I am doing better than what I thought I could do.
Today my healed heart showed its ugly scares and everything that comes with it. I may have never been an addict, but there are days like today that it feels like I am on the road to recovery. I had to hit rock bottom to realize how far down I had fallen. Then I had to stand up brush the dirt off and start to climb back up to what I deem is normal and fit.
My husband and I have created a home for our son and we are proud of how far with both have come. We’re only going up from here.
I love good days. Today, besides my normal anxiety I had a wonderful day. I did not allow myself to be the normal hermit crab that I tend to be. I woke up to a text message from one of my very dear friends asking if I wanted to hang out and I was excited. I know I sound like a little kid, but we’re all adults now with our own families and lives, so it does not happen as often as we’d like.
Well, unfortunately, guys I woke up this morning with anxiety full force. I am making it through though. When you have a kiddo you do not have the choice to just go back to bed until you feel better. My anxiety is in full swing this morning. There is nothing to be anxious about, but my body seems to think otherwise. On days like today, I focus on my son and what I need to do to keep up with the house. I woke up and took my med, then I made breakfast for both of us. Now he is playing in his playroom and I’m taking this moment to blog. Mickey mouse clubhouse is, of course, playing in the background. I need grounding exercises when I feel this way. I know there are a lot out there, but my therapist is going to be working with me this week on what I can do when I feel like my anxiety is through the roof. I know that I still have a lot of things to figure out with my son’s birthday party. I have most of it planned out, but still not completely figured out.
Ever since I was diagnosed with bipolar, I have heard several people say that bipolar woman makes horrible parents. Just like everything else in my life I attempt to take it one day at a time. My son is my main priority, then my house, my husband, then myself. I know that I need to take more time to myself, but I have not figured out that part yet. One step at a time, it was I tell myself every day, but the thing I really need to teach myself is that it is o.k. if everything does not get done in that day. There will be tomorrow to attempt it again. I think us as mother’s put too much stress on ourselves to be like the other mothers that we see. However, we do not see their bad days or the days that the feel like they are going to break down.
We as mothers need to be more uplifting towards each other. Motherhood is not a competition. We should be in this together! Empower each other, working mothers and stay at home mothers. We all have our good days and our bad days and we need to realize that it is alright and that does not make us bad mothers.
I hope whoever reads this has a wonderful day!! I would write more, but my toddler is wanting me to read book after book. Just another day in the life of being a mama.