I’ve heard from a lot of people who think I should be over what I’ve gone through, but the reality is that I am over it but my body is not. I wake up every morning with panic in my stomach and there be no reason for panic. All day I feel on edge and yes I do take medication. It is not something I enjoy. I honestly wonder most days why my husband hasn’t walked away from my constant state of sadness. He’s such a good man and I’m a very lucky woman to have someone so devoted to me. When we took our vows to love each other no matter what life threw at us, is something we both take very seriously. We’ve seen great times and we’ve been through bad times as well. We don’t sweat the small stuff and we work through the hard stuff.
I know a lot of my problems stem from my childhood and I’ve only written about one section of my childhood. There will be more and hopefully, that will make things more clear for those who are following my blog. If you read just this one it will probably come off as a whining adult. I’m hoping to get out everything and open memories I didn’t know were there. There are chunks of my life that feel like a story that has been told to me.
This is one reason I am writing this blog so just maybe others who are like me will understand that they are not alone. I am a mother and wife, but most days I feel like a failure. I don’t like to interact with people I don’t know which in turns means I keep to myself and I stay indoors. I love the days that my husband is off because with him by my side I feel confident and unafraid of the people around me. My son is thriving and my husband tells me all the time how proud he is of me. I have so much to be happy about. I thought for almost ten years that I would never have a child even though it was one of my only dreams as a child, to have a family who loved me as much as I loved them.
The fact is that I am broken. I am a child without parents. Even though I was never left in foster care I feel as though I have been. I’ve raised myself since as long as I can remember. I would do anything to have that feeling of having parents. I thought having my own family would fix what is broken, and in some ways it has, but in others, it has not. Some days I feel better about it then there are days like today I feel like I’m in a hole begging my parents to hear me, but they don’t. Most of my family is all in the united states and we’re not close. I wish it was very different, but I don’t know how to bridge the connection that has been broken. I did marry into a wonderful family and I feel beyond blessed my son won’t feel the disconnect that I have my whole life. I don’t put blame on anyone except my father and the reason why is because he “raised” us most of our lives. He always had something negative to say about both sides of my family. How everyone just didn’t like him and he didn’t know why. As I got old I understood why so many of his family members had chosen to keep themselves away from him. His actions not only hurt him they hurt his family. He didn’t care that we grew up without family or the fact he was always moving us around like we were nomads with no permanent home.
This blog is more for me than anyone else. I need to get these things out of my head. Maybe it’s not just to help others, but also help myself. I’ve heard writing is very therapeutic so maybe this might help and maybe it won’t, but I might as well give it a try. I don’t want sympathy I honestly can’t stand it. I want to be better understood. I know that is a lot to ask for especially since I don’t understand myself. I’m actually for the first time in my life taking real strides to help me figure out what is medically wrong with my head and am trying to fix it. I’m hoping if I can do that I can go to therapy and learn to cope with everything the goes through my head. The last thing I want is to raise my son to see my unhealthy mental state and actions. No, I do not-self harm and I am not suicidal. I feel like I constantly have to let people know that. I’m just anxious, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, depressed and lonely.
Five years ago I was severely overweight and I thought that most my anxiety and depression was caused by my weight. I thought it was my weight that made me afraid of people, but I have lost most of the weight and I’m definitely not self-conscious about my looks anymore. Now I feel like when people see me they see everything that going through my head. Not to mention I am socially awkward I have tried to make connections with people, but I just do not do well with attempting conversations with people and it just feels so awkward. I do not want to stick myself in this bubble for the rest of my life. I lost the weight so I would not be sitting on the sidelines of life and here I am limiting myself because I am afraid of people.
I appreciate it if you have made it this far. At first, when I started writing this blog I thought I would be just writing about my past, but I don’t think that will help me or anyone else who are looking for answers. I need to get out my past, present and hopefully figure out how to make a brighter future. I want to see myself the way my husband and son do. They don’t deserve to see their wife and mother so sad all the time. I grew up seeing my father always looking sad and lost. I do not want that for my family.